{lizzythebotanist}

lizzy the host's guide to

how to be a better guest/diner
{part one in a series}

if you've made a reservation, we will gladly hold the table all night for you. so if you are running a few hours late, please don't bother to call. if for some reason your reserved table was forfeit to another guest because of your tardiness, we will simply fell a cottonwood and craft a custom table for you. no need to thank us, we're here to serve you. just please be patient and excuse the dust. no amount of pushiness or threatening to talk to the manager will speed the process.

if you have your heart set on a booth, please don't tell me so until i've already mapped out a table for you. when i take you to said table, please look around the restaurant with a disappointed frown and grunt. say nothing, then whisper to the rest of your party. if you had done this months ago (before i became numb to insensitive diners), i would have heard you and offered you an available booth. but these days, i'm going to pretend i didn't hear you and complain about you to another staff member. another approach: upon reaching the undesired table, say "isn't there a booth we can have?" because there probably is a booth (you know as well as i do since you've just scoured the room for a seat better than the one i have so graciously offered you). so i will oblige and seat you at the booth of your choosing. but here's what you don't know: not everyone likes (or can fit into) a booth. some servers don't have booths in their sections, and i, being the diplomatic employee that i am, am trying to keep those servers happy and their wallets stuffed. so i go back up to my host stand, edit the seating chart, whose numbers you have just thrown completely askew, and then cross my fingers that i don't get chewed out by the server you just denied.

regardless of whether you were satisfied with your table, kept your mouth shut because you are passive-aggressive and would have preferred a booth, or we went through step two, please jump right into your conversation (or into your head/book/crossword puzzle) and ignore me as i offer kind words, "enjoy your meal," or "let me know if you need anything else." i completely understand that your conversation cannot be postponed .5 seconds longer and any acknowledgment of "the help" would lower your class of citizenship. same scenario applies when you are leaving the building-please don't thank me, as i have done absolutely nothing to make this dining experience pleasant for you. please don't stop to listen to what i have to say(i'm only trying to offer a parking validation)-i tend to babble and engaging in such frivolous conversation is a waste of your time of which you are so aware the cost. you are indeed better than me.